I. On Saturday, Paul turned 45. We celebrated on Sunday at Kaimana Beach with friends and the core group of students who helped organize the Global Night Commute. In a circle, before we ate, we went around and in the family tradition offered our gratitude and requests for universal guidance. I offered gratitude for Paul-a good man that has helped me grow and asked for guidance for further growth together. In honoring my partner, I had realized that Paul's greatness, had been diffused or temporarily hidden under piles of laundry, pending bills, and getting our daughter to school, soccer, gymnastics, and hula. And that we in our busy-ness needed to also slow down and take a moment.
Later a conversation emerged about marriage, divorce, second and third marriages, and the stages of marriage. And I was touched with both the wise cracks and reflections people shared about commitment and the deep allowing and balance required between needs and wants of each partner. We were asked to share the story of how we met and in the telling, I watched myself and Paul recollect details, noting how each of us told our version. We have told this story to many different listeners and on many different occasions. But because this was mixed audience of college students and friends, I was initially unsure of how much should be disclosed.
"Tell them how you had just broken up with an ex-fiance and how you were clear about not committing," Paul said.
Initially, I balked because he was willing to be so open. Throwing me a line, a friend commented, "You were wise to be sure that you fully completed one thing, before you started another."
I was glad that the students heard that, as many of them were not in serious relationships or in a relationship just yet. I remembered myself at that age, wanting to hear how couples connected, particularly those who I admired because of their political commitments and active lives dedicated to art and justice.
I remember as a college student, meeting Bill and Yuri Kochiyama , staying at their place in Harlem, and being in awe of their union and thinking, that I wanted to be in a partnership like that.
Years later, I read Diane Fujino's biographical account of Yuri and I honed in on the chapter on their relationship and how at times it was burdened by much of, Yuri's social justice work. I contrasted the image I made of Bill and Yuri in mind at 19, with what I knew as mother and partner in my mid-30's.
Loving one person and loving the world and being available to its calling for you to give your gift is close to impossible and quite a sacrifice. Bill had to learn how to share Yuri as Paul and I have to had learn to share each other with our callings and passions. Luckily, many of our callings and passions are aligned and we are sympathetic to their rhythms and how each may be pulled.
II.
As a feminist and from personal experience, I have given up on the fantasy of happily ever after a long time, ago. And to the tell the truth, I've been very skeptical about the whole institution of marriage for a very long time. Perhaps this comes from a deep seated, karmic fear of being stuck and trapped in something emotionally stagnant and oppressive. And perhaps it also comes from a deeper liberatory impulse and desire to experience marriage as a magical, alchemical container for one's best self to emerge much like a butterfly emerges from the warmth of a cocoon. Each partner is supported to grow by the other, but one is also free to fly, unfettered by jealousy or possession. Part of me believes that if committed relationships could me more like that latter, the better chance we have at transforming and releasing more love into the world.
III.
Later, as we were packing up the family van to leave, I asked for Paul to take a photo of me with him. Many of our pictures, I realized, were only of our daughter or one of us with her. There are very few images we have of showing just the two of us.
These photos here remind of a time when we first a couple. A earlier time of lightness. They also show promise of a joy and deep laughter that can only emerge after years of bearing witness to each other after 11 years.
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